excersice, exsercise – and I can’t f+cking spell it.
Lucky for me, I’ve never needed to do it. Not because I’ve was born with a bomb shell body, I’m not that lucky. Let’s just say a Jewish-Italian combo would make a better sandwich than a body. I never quite made it to 5 foot, but the lady at the DMV told me to lie, otherwise they’d make me sit on phonebooks the rest of my life (which, by the way, I’m still doing at the hair salon). I’m built like a a boy that would get bullied at school for looking like a girl. I’ve got an ass like a black girl (not my words, friendly young black man at Penn Station once mentioned that as he passed by). I’ve got a nose that I can see without crossing my eyes. I’ve got a stomach like a grandma kangaroo. I’ve had bunions since I was a pre-teen, a mole that I’m oddly emotionally attached to (as well as physically), and crusty elbows no matter how expensive the lotion I shmear on is. Let’s be honest, if I’m gonna be a famous singer soon, it’s gonna be because I have a damn good voice (btw, I do).
But at least I’m thin. I attribute that to abnormally high levels of nerves and anxiety. I burn calories like a forest fire. I shake my legs when I sit, bite the inside of my lips, pick at my cuticles – movement, constantly throughout my life, keeps me from packing on the pounds. Plus, my ego is larger than my appetite, so whenever I start to feel plumpy, I automatically lay off the goodies.
Well, as that bitch in the changing room once warned, it’s catching up with me. I can no longer eat what I want. This, in my opinion, is an atrocity and affront to my civil liberties. I am a good person, I don’t do alot of things I’d like to do (Ya you’d love me to spell those out, right?) – so the least I deserve is to indulge myself in yummy things whenever the hell I want to.
I’ve gotten to the point on my life where I can do 1 of 2 things
1. Not eat
2. Eat smartly, and
excerzise excersise x-r-cize
Once I realized this, have no doubt, I tried #1. And it worked for a while, at least 2 days.
Fuck that. A girls gotta eat. I love to eat. I live to eat. So much for #1. On to #2.
How to go about
exsercizing when you hate it more than being fat? I Googled exsercze for a few days, that made me feel like I was doing something. I dug my sports bra out of my ‘bras and underwear I don’t wear but cant throw away’ drawer. I bought weights. That made me feel SUPER fit. But as the weeks went by I came to the realization that I was a lazy piece of shit. So I downloaded Jillian Michaels and let her kick my ass for a few days. She is a God, and I am her greatest disappointment. At one point in the video she screams “I’ve got 400 pound people doing Jumping Jacks, you can do them too!” Jillian, I cannot do them, I cannot do this, it hurts me and I want to cry. So that was that.
Some more Googling. Some more eating.
And then I find it.
(spot the irony!)
All that bullshit about Couch to 5k – run and walk in intervals, broken up by perfectly timed music. Lemme tell you, it works.
I hate running. I hate people who run. I hate people who say “I just don’t feel the same unless I’ve run that day.” I hate running clothes, running accessories. I dont understand why they have their own magazine – magazines are for people who want to Wear MakeUp, Have Better Sex, and discover Fashion Secrets of Celebs – NOT for loser runners.
But, by God, I’m running, Thanks to Suz @kissmyblackass.org:
“Welcome to the mind of Suz. Don’t think too much and enjoy the laughs because I keeps it real.” Yes Suz, yes you do.
Her tunes are AWSOME – all rap, all the time, old school, new school, West/East Coast, Gangsta – whatever. It works! I could do ANYTHING to Rap Music. It makes me STRONG, it makes me HARD CORE, BAD ASS!! I run to rap music, and I feel great.
I run past that stayathomedad – eat my dust bitch.
I step on acorns – fuck all the squirrels.
Don’t mess with me! I am a runner! I can run almost 90 seconds without stopping!
Lines from rap songs that I find particularly motivating:
- Is that your ass or your momma half reindeer?
- Watch out for the medallion my diamonds are wreckless Feels like a MIDGET is hanging from my neckless – LUDACRIS
- Now I ain’t sayin’ she a gold digger But she ain’t messin’ wit no broke nigger – Kanye
- Pullin out that pistol nigga who you think u finna scare?
These 20 rounds of missles have you pissin in your underwear- T.I.
If you wanna see how I roll, check out this video I dug out from the archives.
PS youtube says its been blocked in some countries. That’s right mother fucker.